In Memory of Sharron Saksa McLaughlin

II Corinthians 5:17
Therefore,
if anyone is in Christ,
he is a new creation;
the old has gone,
the new has come!

The Grave

The grave site is different for everyone.  For some, like me, they come and go on a needed basis.  I go when the mood hits and always on holidays and birthdays.  For others, like my mother, it means more.  She has said she knows her soul is not there, but that is where her body is and it is the body she carried inside her and healed when sick and hugged daily.  The grave is a place to leave gifts for loved ones, which are rotated in and out with each season, holiday and birthday, as that person is not here anymore to get real gifts.  In our case the grave is one of the only memories my sisters kids and my younger two have of her. 

I will never forget the day my daughter told me “My Aunt Sharron lives in the flowers”.  It took my breath.  But I could see how for a 3 year old (at the time) that is how she sees it.  Because when you look around you see flowers and gifts as far as your eye can see.  It is an unspoken understanding among those who have lost someone that you don’t take from a grave.  Be it a penny, a water bottle, or a smoke, you leave it there as it was placed there by a loved one to get when they return for it and normally you pick up flowers that have blown over in the wind.  

At birthdays and such the grave yard is somewhat of a play place for our 4 young kids.  They will grow up knowing that in March and Aug of every year we all gather to grieve there and they run through the flowers and read the graves and know their mother and Aunts grave by her flowers and her solar lights.  This is a place that her daughter could come and place a note for her she writes; put balloons on her birthday and other little gifts that NO CHILD should have to leave for a parent they lost at such an age.   


But not any longer.

Evergreen Cemetery took it upon their selves to jerk up any item that was not a flower in a built in vase from graves this week.  They did this 2 days after Easter, breaking their own rules of allowing 5 days to go back for holiday décor.  They even tore down flags, which were within the rules, off Veteran’s graves.  They did all this with no notice to the plot owners or their loved ones.  They did this with no apology and threw it all in a pile like it was trash, including the flags.  Local media has been there and they are all in hiding, yet the papers they have the groundskeeper handing out, says that they agree all issues are handled through the office.  If you knock on the office door, you are told to go away.

 Every single person I have talked with says the same thing.  Had they put a notice in the paper or reached out in some way to explain some gifts were getting out of hand and they needed them removed, each one would have had no issue going to get them.  But instead they took them, threw them in a pile and broke them.  For many it is traumatic, as going to the grave is a party of healing therapy and grieving.  I remember before my sister had a headstone putting flowers and a cross on her grave to mark it.  They were in a cemetery vase and just simple.  This week they took even those off graves with no head stones, so these people have no way to even mark a grave now.  They have said they plan to sweep through each section and do this to every grave with no sign of being sorry.  I don’t know how they sleep at night. 

Random Thoughts

As I couldn't sleep last night I don't know why the movie "The Secret Life of Bees" came into my thoughts.  My sister was much like May.  If you have ever seen the movie one sister, August, explains that her sister, May, is special and that the suffering of the world hurts May more than anyone else. May feels like it is happening to her.  Sharron was this way.  She would never watch the news, if she did she would just overwhelmed with a sadness like these things were physically hurting her.  She use to tell me she felt that earth was hell and we were living in hell here waiting to go to heaven.....

Year 3 coming up in 2 weeks

A ton has happened in 3 years.  I really don't know what to say..... This may be kinda random and I may ramble some...

I have moved since she died..... This year I won't sit in the same room where we were on Aug 6 which marks the last day I was with her face to face.  I wonder if she were here would I still be in this house..... how would things have worked out with that..... lots of guilt there.  Know there shouldn't be but I wonder how different life would be.   In July I always think of her and how she came to the hotel we were in during home renovations and swam and we drank coffee.... I still to this day can't drink hazelnut creamer.  

I did have something happen at a store that threw me for a loop a while back.  There was a girl stocking toys and her hair length, color. body build and just the way she moved.... all the way to the glasses, looked just like my sister.  I did a double take... found myself staring.  Then had a full blown panic attack in Walmart.  Couldn't breath, speak, was crying and sobbing.  Being stared at like I was crazy by other shoppers.  It was crazy.   

But this year I hope to be able to focus on things.... I was robbed of grieving the first 2 years on the death anniversary for unsaid reasons.  This year I hope things will be different.  I found a picture of my 4 kids the other day that was taken the day before my sister died or rather it was taken the last day I saw her alive.  I laughed and joked the whole way to the doctor and back for my sons check up and for a long time after I thought about that trip and wondered IF I would ever laugh again with them and when I did I felt guilty.  But then I remembered my sister once told me in all her depression she was always happy when at my house with me and the kids because she said we always laughed and did stupid things that made her laugh.  

First Memory

Mom, Sharron and I use to talk on 3 way all the time..... One night we were on the phone talking about things and some how got on the subject of our first memories.   I told them that my first memory is of being drug through the snow at night crying for mom and dad to not leave me.  As I finished my mom gasps and says "OH Rachael!  That was the night Sharron was born!!!"  She went into labor in the middle of the night and I was left with the neighbors.  Sharron was born after midnight on March 25th 1983.  So my first memory is something to do with my sister.  Tomorrow she should have been 30. 

Been a while

Yesterday I got a call that I needed to go to my mothers because she wouldn't answer the phone and let her know that her mother had a heart attack and that the outcome was not good.  As I stood at that door it brought back all the emotions of standing at my daddy's door the morning my sister died.  His phone was off and I had to go wake him to tell him.  I hate death. 

Reflection

They say the 1st year is the hardest..... I think it depends....  The first thing to come after Sharron died was Mya's birthday and that was one of the hardest things I had to do.  But I made the cake she wanted and put on a smile for her.  First Thanksgiving and Christmas.... I think I was just numb by then.  I wanted to spend them with just my family so I did.  On the 1 year anniversary I didn't get to grieve.  I was too busy dealing with mom and her idea to go to the beach to get away that turned into a nightmare.  So this year, the second year has been the hardest for me.  This past Thanksgiving I was sick and just remember crying and crying thinking if she were here she would have cooked a feast and said "just come eat".  Then Christmas was a nightmare.  I remember spending half my time at parties in the bathroom crying just wanting to go home and crawl into bed.... I didn't even want to decorate but I stuck it out for my kids sake.  

This anniversary I have had time to reflect on the events of that day..... I normally turn my ringer off at night but I didn't that night.... I remember calling Brett around 1 am at work telling him I had the eeriest feeling and was freaked out, he calmed me down and I went to sleep.  At 5:55 am I woke to my phone ringing.  When I answered my mother was screaming "She's dead, your sister's dead, Sharron's dead!!!!  What do I do???? "  I told her to call 911.  The rest is broken memories.....  I remember calling Brett in a panic and him leaving work to come get me, the 2 littles and Mya (because I had her for a sleepover).  I called mom's husband and told him he needed to go home now and I couldn't get my dad because his phone was off.  I remember going to dads and having to tell him, then we went right to moms.  I remember there being fire and rescue, a lot of neighbors and police there.  The neighbors took my littles, Graham was just 7 weeks, and Mya to feed them and kept them in moms room away from the commotion.  There were tons of questions and then they decided to send her for an autopsy.  I remember mom was hysterical and they thought she was having another stroke so she was taken to the ER to be sedated.   I think it was then that I had to go the half mile down her road to tell my older boys she was gone..... today I asked Wade what I said to them that day because I couldn't remember.....  After that it's all a blur until I went to bed with Brett holding me as I sobbed.  

Almost 2 years.....

2 years..... so many ways to think about this.  My youngest son just turned 2 and I think about how fast these two years have felt when it comes to him, yet so long when it comes to Sharron's death.  Aug 7 will be 2 years.  On this day this year my oldest will have football, my daughter will have an appointment and the day will not stand still as though you think it should.  This day is hard as I still have memories so vivid that they take my breath and I am left in a panic.  But I also find that the days leading up to this day are harder than the actual day.  It was the end of July when we were misplaced in a hotel in town while our bathroom was rebuilt..... Sharron brought her kids twice that week to swim with hers and mine since I couldn't having just had a c-section.  We had coffee and joked like we always did.  Then on the 5 and 6th of Aug she came to my house and spent about 2 hours each day she left that day same as she did the day before with me thinking "she will be back tomorrow".... there was no tomorrow....  These days and the days after her death are the hardest for me.  

People don't understand any of this unless they have lost someone so close to them that it changed their whole life.  And that is just what this has done.  I was changed forever that day.... Now I find that a grave side visit is part of every holiday and birthday..... my daughter told me once when on the way there that "Sharron lives in the flowers".... the innocence of a child put it into a good way to see it.  She does live in the flowers and beautiful flowers of every color are all you see when you go there so I think this is a nice way to look at it.  The hard part is when I really need her....  I have had people tell me to call them and they will listen like she did, but truth is no one can ever do that or be that for me......


To Grieve... just a bad month so far.

Grieve: To grieve is to feel pain or sadness as a result of a loss, or to cause pain or stress to someone. (verb)
Stages of grief: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, & Acceptance.
I know I have talked before about how I have been through some stages of grief, I don't feel I am stuck in any one stage, but it does feel as though someone has hit the "replay" on the list and I keep going back through each one. Just when I thought I could breath again, no one close to me had died in 16 months.... I get another phone call that just makes you feel as though someone has knocked the wind out of you. My younger cousin passed away last week. It was a terrible accident at his work and this should have never happened. He was only 24. His was the oldest son of my dads little sister. The same Aunt who came when my sister died and kinda just did what ever was needed. All I could think about was how she dressed my sister and curled and fixed her hair and make up. I couldn't make it to any of the services as I have had a child sick with pneumonia for almost 3 weeks now. But with each day as they made arrangements, then had the viewing and finally the funeral it took me back to every memory I have of all that with my sister.
When someone this close to you dies it makes every part of your life change. Not just the holidays and birthdays of theirs, but every one that they were a part of with you. My sister and I were so close we talked 20+ times a day, we saw each other more than once a week. She was a part of every single thing I did. Every major event in my life holds memories of her in it. Easter was hard. Someone in the house has been sick for the last 2 months and I was exhausted, I cried and cried thinking "If Sharron were here she would cook a big dinner and I would not have to worry about things this year".... we ended up having cheese burgers. :( She was also a big part of each of my pregnancies, labors & birth with each child..... This past Sunday my oldest turned 13. It was a very hard day for me. I lived with my mom and sister while going through a divorce when pregnant with him. It made the event bittersweet as I remembered how she looked at me on the day before telling me she knew I was in labor because I got so mad at her she said my face was glowing, her high kicking in front of my dads face to show him her tae bo moves as I lay in the hospital bed in labor LOL and her learning to help me care for Steven in the days I brought him home. Every event is forever changed with out her here.

Birthday little butterfly cake

18 Months (almost)

Posted Jan 3, 2012 @ 12:44PM

As the 18 month mark is almost here I will update you on how the Holidays went for us.  I won't post names or how this person was brought into our lives but before Thanksgiving a girl who is very mentally ill and didn't know my sister or much about our family..... for lack of better words tried to become my sister.  She went around town claiming to be my sister in her body for about a week.  Went so far as to crawl into my mothers lap and call her mommy.  Try to hug me and ask if I has missed her for the last year.  And call from hospitals saying she wanted to come home to her "family".  There are no other words for this person but sick.  She did end up in a place on a hold for about 3 days.  Since then she has tried to apologize to my family with no response from us as we feel no contact back is best.  But this set us all back to pretty much day one in emotion and grief.  Mom ended up back in the inner path for about a week.  I had the worst Thanksgiving and Christmas ever.  I just wanted to be at home away from everyone but my family.  I can't even put into words what this person did to our family and to be honest an I'm sorry doesn't make it better for us.  


I think I told you all that mom and I took over the local chapter for The Compassionate Friends.  TCF is a support group for bereaved parents, siblings and grandparents.  We have monthly meetings and twice a year hold events.  The one for Dec was the Worldwide Candle Lighting.  It went very well other than being cold.  We have about a dozen people come and we had readings of names, poems and music.  I was very nice.  It was the one thing I did enjoy about the Holiday season. 

In site news.... I am changing the blog to this format so that you don't have to join to read.  

1 Year


Posted on July 30, 2011 at 8:19 PM  
As the one year mark nears I think about this past year without you here. So much has happened that you missed and not a single moment, large or small, were you not thought about. Your children grew a year older, had all the normal holidays… Halloween, Easter, Christmas, and more without their mama. Miss Mya will start real school in a couple of weeks…. We lost a step-mother in Dec and gained a new one the end of July. Some days are just unbearable but the truth is no matter how bad we miss you life does go on around us and we have to choose to go with it and carry your memory to keep your spirit alive for the kids or stand still let life pass us by. I choose to go with it. To get mom away from the house on this day I am taking her to the beach for a week…. I know if you were here to go you would swim and act silly with the kids, build castles and just have fun. I know this will be a hard week full of laughing and crying, but we have to make it through somehow…..


Where does the time go....

Posted on July 8, 2011 at 12:55 PM   
So much going on, sorry I have not written. We have almost come to the 1 year mark. Yesterday was 11 months. Mom is still the same. Mya misses her mama like crazy and talks about her all the time. This month and next will be very hard. Just remembering the last times I was with my sister and the things we did in the last weeks before she died. The first week of Aug mom and I will take the little kids to the beach house to spend the week there and return home on the 7th. I don't think mom needs to wake up in the house on the 7th but we want to come home that day to be able to go to the grave site. In other news, but related news..... I am now the local chapter leader of Compassionate Friends. We will kick off our meetings with a Walk to Remember next week.  

March


Posted on March 9, 2011 at 4:50 PM  
March milestones…..  Sharron was born on March 25th in the wee hours of the morning.  There was a big snow, big for Alabama at least, and after the car would not start, mom and dad called the local rescue squad to come and take them to the hospital.  They got to the end of the neighborhood before that ride went into a ditch.  I think it was about then, they should have realized what a glorious challenge Sharron was going to be.  Sharron was soon born after midnight and gave them their first challenge…. She had the cord wrapped around her neck and was not breathing.  She was suctioned and spanked, she was held upside down and slapped on her feet…. No cry.  Finally after a last attempt of holding her by her foot and dropping her and catching her, she let out a cry. 
I cannot begin to imagine what my mother will go through on the 25th of this year.  I know as a mother, each year I find myself replaying my children’s births as the day goes by…. “At this time my water had broken”…..”By this time I was holding you”…..  Yet I get to celebrate with a cake and candles and gifts for my children.  This year, for Sharron, we will be meeting at the cemetery and sharing a piece of Sharron’s favorite funfetti cake, writing messages on blue balloons, and then releasing them.  As far as gifts go, Rex is ordering her head stone this week.  It is simply beautiful with a number of pictures on it and will be set in blue pearl granite.  Not a gift you would ever think you would give your wife or child for their birthday…..

Death Certificate


Posted on January 8, 2011 at 12:35 PM   
When my children were born I heard the doctors say it’s a boy or girl then the time of birth.   Having 4 children, I am now a pro at filling out a birth certificate.  The lady comes to your room and you have to double check everything and each thing has to be just so, right down to the letter before they can send it in to the State.  So why is this not as important on a death certificate?  Our arrival into the word is a big deal, but our depart from the world is an even bigger one because we leave behind a life.  Favorite colors, flowers, foods and family and friends.   To them the death date is as important as the birth date. 
The day mom got the death certificate was a bad day.  She sat there with Sharron’s birth certificate in one hand and the death certificate in the other.  Something no parent should ever have to do.
The day dad got Renee’s death certificate was bad too.  Renee died on the 11th of December.  I know this because I got the call from him at 12:11 AM on the 12th and when I saw her I knew she had been gone for at least 2-3 hours, same as Sharron.  But by putting the 12th on the certificate it made dad replay the “what if’s”.  In reality he knows she had not only been gone for 11 min when he called 911 and me.  But to him that date being wrong hurt him.  So you see death dates are just as important as birthdates…..

Everyone Grieves Different

Posted on January 4, 2011 at 11:54 PM   
One thing I have learned from this experience is that everyone is totally different in how they grieve.  For me, it helps to change things, such as a room.  Move the furniture so I don’t look at places and think about when she sat there last or think “I was sitting here when I heard this news”.  It’s not that I want to erase them but to be able to remember them in my own way and time, so that it is not in my face all the time.   For dad he wanted the bed he had just bought for him and Renee removed almost immediately, has already moved a desk in its place and says he will no longer use that at his bedroom.   Mom, however, is at the other end of the spectrum from dad.  Sharron’s room, where she was found, has become her “safe place”.  She just now almost 5 months later changed the sheets and allowed the kids to even go in that room.  She doesn’t want anything touched; everything must be approved by her, even mail, before it can be thrown away. 
 
Dad and I are a lot alike when it comes to her grave.  We know she is not there so I don’t feel her there.  I go there to make sure her “stuff” is there.  I don’t want it bare because when I see an un-kept grave I think either they had no family or they are just forgotten.  I mean it doesn’t take a lot to just put new flowers out every quarter.  So to help mom along I help keep Sharron’s grave up to her standards.   Mom and Rex are the most alike when it comes to the grave.  He goes there almost daily and feels her most there.   Mom is the same.  She explained it like this…. She knows she is not there, but her body is and that is the body she gave birth to, took care of when it was sick, kissed when it was hurt and the body that carried and gave birth to Mya & Trey.  We all will heal in our own way, in our own time……

In your shoes....

Posted on December 29, 2010 at 11:41 AM  
 So many times we said "just go on to Brookwood and check yourself in"  and you fought us on it every time.  Now that mom has been in (and now back in) there she is seeing what you saw.  She is walking the halls you walked and going to the group sessions you went to.  She now sees it is easier said than done to just "go in".  In her words "it's not a room at the Hilton".  But she is getting help.  She needs it so bad.  I am like dad, as you know, and I am dealing with things in my way, just like him.  But mom, you know how she is.  She missing you so bad her whole body hurts.  There is no real word to describe her right now...... I tell people she is in a severe state of grief, but it doesn't even touch it really.  She is worse than that.  Her heart is broken, but she has to find a way to wrap her mind around that things will never be the same.  It reminds me of the movie "The Upside of Anger"  when the woman says  "My heart is broken. It's not the kind of thing that ever heals."  and the  man says "Yeah, it does. It heals. It just heals funny. You know, you more or less walk... with a limp".... mom has to learn to live with her limp.

Starting over....


Posted on December 13, 2010 at 9:13 PM
Any progress I had made with death is now starting over.  My step-mom passed away unexpectedly last Saturday night from a blood clot to her lung.  I got another call with hysterical screaming to come now that "she is dead", this time from my father.  It took me back to August.  When I got there cops and paramedics all over.  She was in her bed, same as my sister, and the same color as Sharron.  It was almost 4 months to the day.... I officially hate to see Saturday come. 

Randomness


Posted on November 13, 2010 at 10:49 AM  
Wade turned 9 on the 1st.  We went to the beach house and then up to Lyndall's Adventureland.  Mom brought Mya down to stay with Dee and she had a blast riding go karts and bumper boats and playing golf.  After the party Brett and I used one of our free nights at a hotel and stayed on with everyone else and took all the kids to the peanut festive.  Mya loved it.  She was all smiles. <3

Your anniversary was on the 9th.  Rex took it very hard.  He took you yellow roses and sat with you for a few hours. 

The 12th was daddy's birthday.  I know he was sad but did a great job at hiding it.  I made him a Mississippi State football field cake.  I used your kitchenaid so I felt like you were there....  

Mom found these little blue butterfly Christmas ornaments and she bought ALL of them to use only them on her tree so she feels like you are part of things.....  It's not funny but she is one step away from being one of those people that has your picture put on a t shirt and wears it around.  But what ever helps her deal I guess.... 

The kids are okay.  Trey likes school, but Mya tries to make excuses everyday not to go. lol  She misses you like crazy and cries for you a lot........

Your oldest baby is now 5...


Posted on October 27, 2010 at 2:03 PM  
Your oldest baby turned 5 Monday. I remember making your belly mold and us turning it into a butterfly together.

She had a party the day before and I made her a 3 tier Tinkerbell cake.  It was pink and chocolate so she loved it.

On her birthday I took her some Little Mermaid cupcakes to her class and told her the story of her birth and how after her mommy had to have a c-section because she was over 10lbs.  And that mommy was asleep after it and I was the first one to hold her and feed her, while all the nurses came in to peak at the big baby. ♥  She misses you so bad. 

2 months

Posted on October 7, 2010 at 11:10 AM
Today marks 2 months since Sharron's death.  
We are all grieving at our on rate.
Mom being the worse I think.....
Mya says her mommy comes and sits on her table at school and watches her color.... Trey just asks for her all the time.  


How are you?

Posted on October 3, 2010 at 7:54 PM  
After church was over our outreach minister stands up and goes over notes for the up coming week or gives a word of encouragement along with his hero of the week.  Todays was perfect!  I was thinking about this Saturday night.  We are asked how we are every day when we go out into the world, at a check out line, in a parking lot, and no matter what you always hear "fine", "okay" or "I'm good".... and there is one lady at the local Walmart that always replies "I'm Blessed"... I never forget her.    But as the minister spoke I felt like he had been in my head, because he asked "how many of us stop think what this question means?".

 How many people do you think you ask this in a day and how many do you think answer with a simple one or two word answer when they are flat out telling a lie!?!?!  I know these days I hate to be asked this.... what do I answer with... "okay", cause if I answered with how I really am most days, some might care enough to listen and others might think "Why did I even ask her that....".  LOL  But either way no one ever really answers with the truth.  So next time you ask someone how they are, keep this in mind, lend an ear and maybe a shoulder and it might just change their life. <3 

Stages of Grief


Posted on September 24, 2010 at 12:31 PM  
 
There are several stages of grief…. Denial and Isolation, Pain and Guilt, Anger, Depression, Bargaining, and Acceptance.  Many people do not experience the stages in the order listed, which is okay. I have not been in order…. I am reading the key to understanding the stages is not to feel like you must go through every one of them, in precise order. Instead, it’s more helpful to look at them as guides in the grieving process.  I also have read that some people get stuck in one and need more professional help to move on.
 
1. Denial and Isolation:  The first reaction to learning of the death of a loved one is to deny the reality of the situation. It is a normal reaction to rationalize overwhelming emotions. It is a defense mechanism that buffers the immediate shock. We block out the words and hide from the facts. This is a temporary response that carries us through the first wave of pain.
✔ Denial.... I guess I have done this.  Sharron's and my relationship was so different over the last year.  I tried to keep her in my life but at a distant because of the choices in her lifestyle.  So at first I wanted to just pretend she was off with “that group” she called friends and she was fine I just was not hearing from her like I would at times….  But reality is always there to slap you in the face and make you face the truth.  She is gone.
 
2. Pain and Guilt:  As the shock wears off, it is replaced with the suffering of unbelievable pain. Although excruciating and almost unbearable, it is important that you experience the pain fully, and not hide it, avoid it or escape from it with alcohol or drugs. You may have guilty feelings or remorse over things you did or didn't do with your loved one. Life feels chaotic and scary during this phase.
✔  There is lots of guilt and what if’s but I have in some and still am in other ways finding you can’t live thinking this way.  It is not good to anyone and it will not bring your loved one back.  The pain is there and I am sure will always be.  It is funny how certain things cause your heart to ache…. Like the week after her funeral when I went and saw a bare grave.  I immediately left and went and made flower arrangements and put different things out there that day as it pained me to think it was bare…. Like it meant she was unloved when she was far from that.
 
3. Anger:  As the masking effects of denial and isolation begin to wear, reality and its pain re-emerge. We are not ready. The intense emotion is deflected from our vulnerable core, redirected and expressed instead as anger. The anger may be aimed at inanimate objects, complete strangers, friends or family. Anger may be directed at our dying or deceased loved one. Rationally, we know the person is not to be blamed. Emotionally, however, we may resent the person for causing us pain or for leaving us. We feel guilty for being angry, and this makes us angrier.
Anger….. I am here now.  Mine is more or less directed at certain people who will remain nameless.  I am not the only one hurt and angry at these people.
I can also admit I am angry with Sharron.  As I watched the show Intervention the other night I just lost it.  I do not understand addiction.  I have been drunk, I have had to take pain killers for surgeries for weeks and then just stop them.  I do NOT like the way I felt on them, or who I was on them.  I know my poor family didn’t like me on them either as I am not the nice normal me.   But as I watch this, the part that gets to me is how can these addicts have children and look at them and that not be a reason enough to stop.  I look at my kids and I want to take in every part of their life, the good and the bad, sober and never forget it.   I just don’t understand how a parent would want to be numb in their life with kids or even pawn them off to do their own things.  My kids are 110% of my life.  I am also angry with Sharron that we all turned our lives upside down for her in things, but she was so selfish she couldn’t do the same for us to get sober.

I am very angry with the public.  I will never understand why people must say the things they do.  It was no secret that Sharron was an addict and had past suicide attempts.  But her words to me were "I would never do that again, I could never leave my kids"  So all the OD and suicide talk just down right for a lack of words pisses me off and I am not as nice as my mother, I get the lovely gift of saying what I feel from my father so right now..... watch out world.
 
 
4. Bargaining:  The normal reaction to feelings of helplessness and vulnerability is often a need to regain control– If only we had sought medical attention sooner…  If only we got a second opinion from another doctor…  If only we had tried to be a better person toward them…
✔ Bargaining……  I would much rather still be living with the drama of things than to deal with this.  That is about as bargaining as I could get…. Needless to say it didn’t work.
 
5. Depression:  Two types of depression are associated with mourning. The first one is a reaction to practical implications relating to the loss. Sadness and regret predominate this type of depression. We worry about the costs and burial. We worry that, in our grief, we have spent less time with others that depend on us. This phase may be eased by simple clarification and reassurance. We may need a bit of helpful cooperation and a few kind words. The second type of depression is more subtle and, in a sense, perhaps more private. It is our quiet preparation to separate and to bid our loved one farewell. Sometimes all we really need is a hug.
✔ I think in a way this starts from the moment you hear the news of a death and just continues.   There are days I feel normal, can do my “duties” and not skip a beat, then others I just want to sit and hold my baby as I remember several time before Sharron left us she told me “You are so lucky to have such a wonderful sweet baby” so I just want to hold him and love him and think of this and do nothing.
 
6. Acceptance:  Reaching this stage of mourning is a gift not afforded to everyone. Death may be sudden and unexpected or we may never see beyond our anger or denial. It is not necessarily a mark of bravery to resist the inevitable and to deny ourselves the opportunity to make our peace. This phase is marked by withdrawal and calm. This is not a period of happiness and must be distinguished from depression.
Yeah…. Not there yet…. And not sure when I will be…..
 
 
 
 

 

 

Dr. G Medical Examiner


Posted on September 15, 2010 at 1:53 PM  
There is a show that comes on Discovery Health called just that.  I had watched it in the past and never really paid attention.  The other night it was on and this time it very much caught my attention.  I watched taking in everything they did to the person to find out the cause of death so I could better understand why it takes so long to get the results.

"Has the autopsy come back yet?". This is the question we get after "how are you doing?" and it has been almost 6 weeks since Sharron's was done.  She had to have a full open autopsy and it was ordered by the District Attorney. 

As I watched I went though the motions in my head of what they did with Sharron... the blood work they take took 4 weeks for one man to come back.   The samples from a heart and lung took even longer to come back.  As they made the incision I thought of how my Aunt who dressed her and did her hair and make up called me before the viewing to ask me to watch Sharron's shirt because if it were to be pulled down any her incisions would show and we didn't want to upset my mom.

Mom says she has not been able to watch the show since this happened, but for me it was a good thing.  Mom was told but the officer handling Sharron's case he would be at her house as soon as he got the results.    Every news article I read where an autopsy is preformed in Alabama I find the time line from the death to results is 2 months.  So we wait until then......

One month


Posted on September 8, 2010 at 9:15 PM
A month has already gone by and it seems like only a day.  I couldn't even go to the cemetery on the 7th because I was in the hospital.  I had to have my appendix taken out in emergency surgery and while there I thought about how Sharron was just in the same place not long ago with her gallbladder being taken out.  She told me of the pain she felt after it and she was right, it hurts as bad as our c-sections did.  Then I thought about how she is no longer going to feel any pain again.

Changes


Posted on August 27, 2010 at 8:48 PM  
It's amazing how the death of someone close to you can change everything about you, even your vocabulary.  I even found myself scolding one of my 4 children for saying they though the fish was dead, telling them not to use that word. 

Maybe it is that I can still hear my mother’s panicked heartbroken voice saying “Sharron’s dead” in my head as the call is logged on my phone at 5:55 AM.  Or the fact that the last time I said it was when I had to knock on my father’s door and tell him his youngest daughter had died.  But I can’t seem to say aloud the word, dead, like if I don’t use it then she is not dead, when in reality I know she is.  I keep saying passed away, gone or lost.

Gone and lost…. I don’t even like those terms.  She is not gone to the store or on a trip to return home. She is not lost, as in a set of keys or a cat.  She died and is not to be found here in the flesh, as I dream so many nights I am trying to do…..  maybe one day I will be able to say it again, but not for now.